The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize