I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
