im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Someone shattered a urinal.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
