just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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