I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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