Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
