I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
