Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
