i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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