My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize