I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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