Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
