i think my tv is drunk
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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