I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
try to milk me bitch
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