I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
