Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Can you bring me the toilet please
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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