Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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