I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
