i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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