remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
