College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
