yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
nut hugger
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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