Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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