Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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