Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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