All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize