Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
its liver damage thursday
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
