I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
