Moan for me like Helen Keller
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
