Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
