I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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