Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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