come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
foreskin is a definite game changer
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
