yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
