Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
