all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
