She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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