I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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