the condom got lost in my hair
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
