Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
