Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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