Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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