My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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