Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Drunk is not a location!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
