I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
