My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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