I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
