I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize