it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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