So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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