Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize