i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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