You just made me feel so damn special
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
