You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
