I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
