I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
