super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
jump out the window naked night went bad
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
