I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
