Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
