i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
