I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
This is the prime rib incident all over again
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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