He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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