if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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