i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
