I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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