she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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