____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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