Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
