I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
